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Montreal was a beautiful city. It was new and old, had a great river and enough bridges to remind her of Pittsburgh, it made Kris happy and by default it made her happy as well. She was happy to be there with him. After the marrow donation she had thought for sure they would ‘take a break’ but he stood by her. Sure things were a bit cold between them but she couldn’t blame him. If the table had been turned she would have rescinded her invitation for such a trip.
Sarah was trying her best to apply what she could remember from psychology of relationships. It was one of her continuing education requirements she had decided to take the previous year. There were four types of people when it came to relationships. Puppies, kitty-kats, canaries and gold fish. Puppies were people who needed verbal approval from the ones they loved. Puppies didn’t care if everyone loved them but were in desperate need for attention from a specific few both in physical touch and verbal praise. Kitties were the kind of people who thrived on physical touch. Kitties needed to feel the physical connection to know they were loved. Canaries were the kind of people who needed to talk things out they needed people to listen to them. For a canary being heard was what they needed the most. Gold fish were the kind of people who just did things for others. They didn’t need much and didn’t ask for things often. They would do and do for others and the maybe just ask them to straighten up the fish bowl every now and then. Sarah knew she was a puppy with a minor in gold fish. Kris on the other hand was a gold fish with a minor in kitty-kat. She needed attention from him and at the moment, things were less than warm between them. Gold fish didn’t ask much of people just as Kris hadn’t ever asked much of her. He really only had asked for honesty and she had betrayed that. He was suffering to. She could tell on the flight to Montreal he had wanted nothing more than to touch her and be close. He had even gone to move to put his arm around her a few times only to pull back hurting himself as well as her.
No one was home when they arrived at the house he had done most of his growing up in. He parked the rental car out front and led the way into the house. It was cold in Montreal but beautiful. Sarah thought the snow seemed more what but that was to be expected from the way she had grown used to the boys describing Canada. Kris got their things settled in his bedroom a place Sarah was fascinated by. It was the room of a child with the bed and wardrobe of a young man. It was obvious a larger bed had been put in the room sometime in the past few years. It was also obvious there weren’t many girls with a weeks worth of clothing visiting often.
“You can use the guest room as a closet.” he offer standing unsure of what to do with her suitcase. “Or just share with me.” he shrugged standing in the hall.
“Um with you is good if that’s ok.” Sarah said from where she stood investigating a picture of a group of little boys in hockey gear propped up on his dresser against a trophy which a little silver medal hung from.
“Yes, fine with me.” he said putting her bag next to his on the bed unzipping both starting to unpack a few things. They had each brought an especially nice outfit as they planned on once fancy dinner with his Mom and Step-Dad. The rest of their clothes were mostly casual though Sarah had brought a few going out kind of things since he mentioned wanting to hit a few clubs with some friends.
He hung up his suit he had brought as well as the dark teal colored dress she had packed in a closet that was obviously full of summer things.
With everything in place Sarah wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself. It was only 2pm and she couldn’t just sit there with him the closed in feeling of the unfamiliar house pushing her to say or do something. It was almost unbearable to feel so boxed in with her feelings that she had to get out.
“Um I think I’m going to go for a run.” she said moving over by him to get into her suitcase to get out her cold weather running gear she had brought. Like it or not she was still training with Mal for the marathon. She said she wasn’t going to run the race in the spring but she knew Mal would talk her into it.
“I’ll go with you.” he said also getting in his bag which was right next to hers. “I don’t want you to get lost.”
Sarah opened her mouth to tell him it was ok that he didn’t have to but closed it a little smile turning her lips up at the corners. This was his inner goldfish reaching out to her puppy dogs. He was willing to be with her even though he didn’t have to be. She could almost wag her tail she was so happy he would be joining her.
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It was cold but bright outside. The sun reflecting off the snow made one think it was warm but the truth was just the opposite. Sarah had to make Kris go change several times before she approved of a weather appropriate outfit. He kept complaining saying how it was sunny. This was followed by her opening a window letting a rush of cold air in to remind him that it was indeed February still. Finally he managed to put together weather appropriate attire. Sarah had the sneaking suspicion this whole ordeal was somewhat like helping a first grader pick out clothes on a similar kind of day.
Once outside she took the time to stretch and he half stretched as well. “Do you think I will be able to keep up?” he said an obviously cocky tone in his voice. He knew she ran for distance but he had never seen her actually do much running leading him to believe he was more fit than she was. Really he was right just in a different kind of fitness.
“Keep up…” she paused to think recalling his fitness statistics. “For the first five miles.” she said with a grin. “You’ll be begging to come home around mile seven and I’ll give in at mile ten so you don’t get bad blisters.” he had seen some of the blisters she had come home with when she and Mal had done the first 12 mile run of their training and frankly he was frightened by them.
Sarah didn’t wait for him to say anything but took off setting a comfortable pace for herself. She could hear him complaining about it being slow but she ignored him. Her plan had been to go running to clear her head and he wasn’t allowing that to happen. The constant sound of his breathing and foot falls next to her only hit home what was on her mind in regards to their relationship. Just as he complained about being to slow it reminded her that keeping things steady was better for the long haul. How could she not have seen such a clear metaphor for their relationship?
It was in dwelling on that fact that around mile 8 when he was starting to drag that she found herself stopping dead on the suburban sidewalk. He was slightly behind so it took just a moment for him to catch her. When he did she sat down on the cold but dry sidewalk her arms resting on her bent knees.
“Are you ok? Are you hurt?” he asked standing over her hands on his hips. His breathing was labored and he rocked between his feet letting on they were obviously hurting.
“No and no.” she said looking up at him squinting as he was backlit by the sun. “Tell me you hate me.” she asked lifting her hand to block the sun so she could look at him. She knew it was a dramatic statement but it was how she felt. There was distance between them since her marrow donation and she didn’t know how to fix it. They were out of sync and she couldn’t think of a way to make him talk about it.
“No.” he said sitting down next to her stretching his legs out in front of him taking all weight off his feet.
“We’re together all the time. I mean more hours than any normal couple could stand.” she looked at him. “We don’t talk. We used to but we don’t anymore. We’ haven’t talked since you came to the hospital.” she knew it was partially her fault for causing this whole mess.
“We talk.” he said shifting away from her taking a defensive position.
She rolled her eyes staring him down with her ‘Mom look’ as the guys called it. She tended to use it more and more with Kris which was something she didn’t like to do.
“Ok, maybe we do not.” he confessed her eyes making him feel like he was about to burst into flames. “I do not know how to fix it.” he shrugged.
“Well some work. I know you don’t trust me like you did before.” Sarah thought it was stupid that he didn’t trust her as much. She hadn’t exactly lied just omitted the truth when it came to her marrow donation. She knew it had hurt him but what she had done could well save a special kids life. If he couldn’t understand that then he was the idiot. It wasn’t the best of attitudes but it was how she felt.
“I trust you. I care about you, I bring you to meet my family.” he said turning his big brown puppy eyes on her making her melt.
“Not like before.” she said melting under his gaze. She could feel the guilt welling up inside her when she met his eyes. Funny how one look from him could do that to her when moments before her convictions were so strong in the other direction.
“I try harder.” he said look at her and then away. “I try more to trust you and talk.”
Somehow she didn’t believe him but it was the best she could get for now. She knew he cared about her and knew she cared about him. The unknown was when he was going to forgive her and deep down she knew she would have to forgive him for making her feel so badly over the last few weeks.
“I don’t feel like running anymore.” she said slowly getting up her muscles going stiff from sitting on the cold ground.
“Then we can go home.” his feet were hurting anyways and he knew he had blisters she would need to treat. “We can walk.” he added standing just as stiff as she was from the cold.
He took her hand as they walked getting a little smile from her. It was half hearted though. She knew he took her hand to make her feel better rather than taking her hand because he wanted to. She had hopes this vacation from Pittsburgh, from their normal life would be like a re-set button for them. So far it wasn’t doing much of anything.
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Meeting Kris’s family was lovely. His Mom was fashionable and passionate about how proud she was of her son. His Step-Dad was quiet but was quite good at chirping up with one liner jokes here and there. Thankfully they used English around the dinner table for Sarah’s benefit. When side one on one conversations developed they slipped naturally into French. She was getting better about getting the basics but she kept it to herself enjoying overhearing a kind word here or there including how Kris’s Mom thought she was much more beautiful in person than in photos and how it was nice he had a girlfriend who was fit because she worked out not because she didn’t eat.
Despite protests Sarah helped clean up after dinner enjoying what it felt like to have a Mom for a moment. Kris’ Mom was a touchy feely person and when the two passed one another in the clean up process she always put a hand on Sarah in a light touch. Some people would be put off by such a thing but to Sarah it was an ultimate comfort. This was what ‘normal’ families were like something she always yearned for.
Going to bed that night was like most other nights though in the slightly strange setting. They brushed their teeth and crawled into bed like normal. They laid on their separate sides of the bed as was their style lately.
“You know I love you yes?”
She heard from his side of the bed in the darkened room. She bit her bottom lip in an attempt to hold back her smile.
“I am not so good at showing but I do.” he added turning over lining up with her his chest just inches from her back.
“I know.” she finally said bringing her hand to cover his at her waist. “I love you too Kris.” It still wasn’t forgiveness but it was good.
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